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Tough Times

This past week has been full of emotion. Good things & bad things alike have happened. It's so hard to hear about friends in pain or suffering ... even harder to learn that a good friend is on life support! Tonight I found out that he's in need of a new heart, that was really hard to hear. I don't understand why this is happening & I'm not even sure I would understand even if God told me why. I want to go see my friend, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle seeing him like that... but at the same time, I'd like to see him...even if he knows I'm there or not. He's in an induced coma which is really difficult. He's in the ICU which means I wouldn't even be able to give him a hug - all I can do is sit next to him...talk to him...pray for him. At least now he is on the list for a new heart - I hope & pray that one is found for him. We had plans to start a weekly Bible Study on Wednesday's ... his passion is to teach the Word of God & I know that God will use him in many different ways when he pulls through this hard time! His body might be weak right now - but God is being strong for him!! It's so hard to comprehend that things like this happen - no matter how young or old you are. It's devestating to learn of such news & to know that there is really nothing I can do but pray & wait. I just saw him a few weeks ago - we had an amazing evening of conversation together. He's such an encouragement to me! We have so much in common, though it's all medically related, but we were able to be there for each other! To uplift each other and understand the pain we're going through. It's been a long hard battle ... it's not over - he'll pull through! My heart cries for him ... a million tears...


We all love being random...well sometimes I guess. So today I had yet another doctors appointment and I cried pretty much the whole time. Andrew did all the talking for me basically ... he's really good at knowing what I'm thinking/feeling so I let him speak for me at my appointments. He's such an awesome guy and I love how he takes out the time to go to these appointments with me even when his days are busy. Anyways... I'm back on Percocet again... it's been good so far - I've felt hardly any pain since Andrew dropped off one of three bottles for me. He's going to hang onto the other two because he's concerned about me with all 300 of them... which I understand. I'm responsible but I'm not at the same time I guess... I dunno. I'm so fed up with all this medical shit that I really do just want to give up and stop everyone from worrying and stop myself from being in pain. Everyone says that they'd be devestated if I passed away - but they should be happy because I'd be pain free. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I have to wait 2 months to see a surgeon to see if he'll do the surgery that my family doctor wants done. If he won't do it - I'm going to have to look elsewhere for someone to do it before I go crazy. I really just want my life back... I'm only 21 and I'm dealing with all this shit - it's stupid... when will I be back to normal? It's so hard being like this and not being able to do the things I want to. I really can't wait to start working and start  paying people back and start helping out with bills and things around the house. My mom can't do it on her own anymore ... it's not fair. I feel like such a drain on everyone - especially her. I do what I can when I feel up to it but it's still really hard.

I've been talking to someone new as well. He's a Christian and has been quite helpful to me the past couple of days. Though I feel like a burden to him though he says I'm not. But I don't know. Just how I feel I guess. God has some plan for me ... I just wish I knew what it was so that I wouldn't be so depressed over everything.

I officially lost my job as well - so that sucks. Don't know if Andrew is going to provide me with work again or not since I seem to always fail him as well. And considering I don't have a license, makes things quite hard ... but it's for the best for right now.

Anyways... that's the end of tonights rant... I shall write again later.....


I'm in a tough situation as it stands... I am in a state of wanting to protect a friend from a decision that she is considering making and I know the pain that it causes... no matter how many times it's done, it never gets easy.  I feel so wrong in trying to protect her because ultimately it's her decision and she'll have to deal with whatever consequences come into play ... but I want to protect her so bad. I worry about her emotional and mental state and I don't know what to do...
Feeling so useless not knowing what to do ... I don't know what to say to her.

Why it's rubbish being single

Why it's rubbish being single

There’s a myth that being single is great

Stefanie Marsh

Sharp-eyed readers might have noticed something that happens to newspaper columns come this time of year. Every August your favourite columnist goes away and is replaced by someone paler and more morose. Who are these people, you might have wondered? Why do they only appear in August? Shouldn’t they be on holiday like everybody else? Perhaps they’re the canteen staff, filing the odd column between stuffing vol-au-vents because the journalists are away. But interesting that they never write about children or dogs or organic gardens or husbands or wives or dinner parties or the complexities of village fête status anxiety, as normal columnists do. A normal columnist will happily spend 800 words musing breezily on compost heaps. A stand-in holiday season columnist, by contrast, favours other topics. Death, the plague, that’s our bag.

Want to know why? Because we’re single. We’re spouse-free zones. And usually garden, children and pet-free zones, too. I’m not on holiday because there’s no one I want to go with, ever since my best friend and I inexplicably chose to travel to Gujarat last October and fell out over a difference in opinion about a woman’s amputated arm. And, being single, I’m wary of holidays anyway. They remind me of that realisation I always seem to have abroad, that I can’t spend the rest of my life with this person. Because single people spend most of their time inside their heads, we tend to exaggerate bad past experiences. So maybe my holidays were good, but how would I know? The inside of my brain resembles the combined plots of The Poseidon Adventure and Saw III played on loop with all the uplifting parts edited out.

That’s the truth about being single; it can be horrendous, only I’m not allowed to admit it. For a few months I have been leading what most anthropologists would describe as a highly unusual existence in my one-person flat, and yet prevailing 21st-century thought – the publishing industry, marketing bods keen to get their grubby paws on what’s left of my disposable income – are trying to convince me that being single is the best thing in the world that can happen to a person. It reminds me of what Phill Gramm, John McCain’s economic adviser, said last month about the recession. It’s not a recession; it’s a “mental recession”. It’s all in your mind.

Likewise, there’s a myth being perpetuated that being single is great! The loneliness, the effort, that musty smell in your flat because you spend far too much time in it, the fact that children think you’re weird – that’s all in your mind. A fabrication. You’re not bored, you just think you’re bored because being single is fabulous! There are more than 3 million single people living in Britain today – everyone’s at it, why not join in the fun? You can drink cocktails like they did in Sex and the City! You can play Nintendo into the dead of night! Absolutely nobody in the world gives a toss about you, but, never mind, you’ve won the lottery of life.

Connected to this syndrome is another unacknowledged truth: that a lot of single people are mad. Some of them are single because they are mad. They tack uplifting quotes to their bedroom walls; they try to lure the attached away from their beloved with promises of a fabulous new life in which no one ever need share a tube of toothpaste again. They begin to excel in those activities that are traditionally dominated by the singleton culture, stalking and conspiracy theorising. But most of them are mad because they’re being driven insane by the pressure to be ecstatic about being single. Under the cover of normality they’re sectionable, trying to justify why they want to be alone so much. To this end they forensically inspect the relationships of their friends. “A lot of people are with the wrong people for the wrong reasons,” is their mantra and sincere hope. They gullibly fall for the claims of their friends with children who tell them how lucky they are to have nothing to do at the weekends. “How I envy you!” new mothers will tell their single friends. It’s an exercise in self-pity, of course. If in doubt, ask them to swap your life with theirs and watch them clutch their children.

If only there was some service that would reliably predict when any period of non-voluntary solitude would end, it would cut out the anxiety and allow single people to enjoy the good things about their lives: increased lucidity, productivity, creativity and self-awareness. More time. Not being welded together in some smug symbiotic ticking relationship time-bomb. Having your own personality. Less risk of divorce. But drinking cocktails whenever you like with three single and neurotic friends for company is for most people a definition of hell.

If You Think You Are Beaten...

If you think you are beaten, you are,

If you think you dare not, you don’t.

If you like to win, but you think you can’t,

It is almost certain you won’t.


If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,

For out in the world we find,

Success begins with a fellow’s will-

It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,

You’ve got to think high to rise,

You’ve got to be sure of yourself before

You can ever win a prize.


Life’s battles don’t always go

To the stronger or faster man,

But soon or late the man who wins



Writer's Block: Take Your Chances

I think that people do deserve a second chance or more chances for that matter. Although, as humans we tend to give up on people too easily therefore making it seem like they are failures. It's a hard thing to look at and to decide. We make mistakes - why should we be condemned for it? Every person has good in their lives - it just depends on if they decide to us it to their ability or not.
On the other hand though - "sorry's" don't mean much when the mistake is made constantly... but I think that 2nd chances should be given. I'm a very forgiving person - I cherish all my friends & family as well as people that I'm acquaintences with ... we're all human - we all make mistakes. Treat others as you want to be treated ... as cliche as that sounds.

Fire and Ice

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

This poem was written by one of my favorite poets Robert Frost! I love this poem so much - it's great.


Some people are incredibly frustrating! I don't know where to begin but one thing I have to say is that if you are going to ask a question and you want an honest answer - you can't get mad at the person for the answer they give! Humans are so uptight that when conversations happen - they misinterrpret things or whatever & then shit gets blown out of proportion and it's not fair! Life is already frustrating as it is... why bring more stress and stuff in to it?! Life doesn't have to be as stressful as we make it out to be ... so STOP IT